Partying into the abyss
Cait loves to party. Everyone knows this. From a kids' birthday party to a community barbecue to a game night get-together to an absolute rager at a bar or pub -- Cait is there, prepared, and stoked to live this celebration to its fullest. One of my previous jobs as a military community coordinator had me planning at least three get-togethers or parties per month, and I have never felt more in my element. I just love getting people together to mark time, celebrate achievements, revel in holidays, and simply let loose with the people I love the most.
Life is nothing without something to look forward to and celebrate.
This is the first year in our 20-year relationship that I did not plan a birthday party for Steve. This has come with a lot of emotions -- guilt, shame, self-disgust -- and a lot of wondering if my life is worth living anymore.
Genevieve's birthday was two weeks ago, and I leaned heavily on my parents and brother to make that happen for her. Again, that shame and self-loathing was there, but mom usually helps me a lot with the kids' birthdays, Genevieve had a great weekend, and the goal of celebrating her glorious eight years was accomplished.
But I've been in so much pain this spring and I'm so tired all the time, and I let the ball drop on Steve's birthday. I didn't get him a cake. I didn't arrange a game or get-together. I didn't even wrap the gifts I bought him. I did nothing for the man I owe everything to and I feel like a failure.
I can trot out the excuse that I've been very sick, I can't sit up for more than 60 minutes without my back aching, my doctors keep changing my meds and making my energy levels unpredictable, I have brain fog that makes every task feel monumental, and I physically cannot drive or walk right now. All of that stuff is true. I know that I wouldn't expect someone else in my position to plan a party. But there's a little voice at the back of my head saying: "You should have done it anyway. You're lazy and weak, and you're failing your family."
If I can't pull it together enough to plan a low-key birthday party for Steve, what else am I going to fail to do? Everything. Is cancer also going to rob my family of Halloween, Christmas, summer festivities, family trips? Probably. Will I ever be able to throw a party again and revel in planning and hosting and having fun? No.
Life is nothing without something to look forward to and celebrate.
Life is nothing.
Yet another piece of Cait that is lost and gone forever.
I guess that's one more thing I should have thought about before I got cancer.
